In This Episode

Happy Halloween, friends! Before we get into it, I share a little life update and why a loving marriage is the key ingredient to enjoying your life. When you’re struggling and emotionally drained, it dims the joy in every other area.

Then we pick up where episode 143 left off. If you haven’t listened to it yet, pause and go listen first. You’ll get so much more out of today’s conversation.

Quick Recap of Episode 143

• Personality tests, attachment styles, the Enneagram, and love languages are not the villain. The trouble starts when the language moves from the understanding lane into the ammunition lane.
• Three weapons to watch for: the diagnosis, the shield, and the trump card.
• The question to keep asking: “What is this information for?” If it helps you understand and love him better, it’s a tool. If it’s proof he’s the problem, it’s a weapon.
• The real issue is emotional childhood, the belief that my feelings are caused by you. The solution is emotional adulthood, where I take full responsibility for my own emotions and let you be who you are.

Questions I Answer in This Episode

When “He Really IS the Problem”

• How is it weaponizing to name what’s actually happening, like when he truly is a dismissive avoidant?
• If I don’t point out his patterns, isn’t staying quiet just enabling him?
• Doesn’t owning my emotions mean his behavior doesn’t matter? Why does he get a pass?

When You’re Tired of Being the One Who Changes

• I’ve done all the work for years. Why should I be the one to change again?
• He won’t take a test, read a book, or go to counseling. How do I get him to collaborate?
• I apologized for using the label and he didn’t apologize for anything. Now what?
• We’re both emotional children. How do we start when neither of us wants to go first?

When It Feels Like Emotional Adulthood Is Code for “Be Quiet”

• Isn’t emotional adulthood just telling women to stop having feelings?
• When he screams at me, am I supposed to choose to feel fine?
• Where’s the line between taking responsibility for my emotions and gaslighting myself into accepting bad treatment?
• If I can’t ask him to change, how is that different from giving up?
• I’ve been told I’m “too sensitive” my whole marriage. Won’t owning my feelings make it worse?

When It Gets Practical

• How do I bring up a real pattern without it sounding like a diagnosis?
• Is there ever a right time to say, “I think your attachment style is affecting us”?
• What if my husband is the one using labels as a weapon against me?
• I’ve been awful about using his personality type against him. How do I repair it when he’s still angry?

Key Takeaways

• Describe behavior, not identity. A label can describe a pattern, but it can’t tell you who he is. Try: “When I share my feelings and you go quiet, my brain tells me the story that I don’t matter to you.”
• A request isn’t a demand. With a request, you’re okay whichever way he answers, and that’s influence rather than control.
• Both things are true: his behavior is his responsibility, and the thoughts and feelings you create about it are yours. Owning your emotions means you’re not handing him the remote control to your inner world.
• Feelings are welcome, blame is optional. You can say “I feel really hurt” without saying “You made me feel this way and you need to fix it.”
• A repair isn’t a trade. Apologize because of the kind of woman you want to be, not to get an apology back.
• Boundaries are about what you will do. “If you raise your voice, I’ll leave the room” protects you without needing him to change.
• Ask yourself, “Why not me?” Somebody has to go first. A repair can be as simple as three sentences.
• Self-coaching is never a replacement for safety. If you catch yourself using “it’s all just my thoughts” to talk yourself out of something that feels wrong, bring in a trusted coach or counselor for perspective.

Try This Week

Pick one recurring frustration and write out your own three-part script: name the specific behavior, share your thought and feeling, and make a request. No labels, no verdicts, no “you always.”

Work With Me

If you feel stuck in a recurring conflict, I’d love to walk you through the tools you need to heal and move forward. This is the FINAL week of my fall specials, which end October 31st. Grab a six-pack of sessions and give coaching a try.

Have a wonderful week, and until next time, go love well. 💛

Fall Specials Ending Soon!

Stuck in the same recurring conflict? Grab a six-pack of private coaching sessions at the lowest price in 8 years, and let’s work through it together. [Add link and end date]

Connect With Jane

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Welcome to Happy in the Middle, with your host, The Christian Marriage Coach, Jane Copier. 

I’m Jane Copier, and you're listening to Happy in the Middle,  a podcast for Christian women navigating marriage, family relationships, and the beautiful work of becoming who God created them to be. As the Christian Marriage Coach, each week I offer practical tools and faith-filled conversations to help women just like you, create deeper connection, healthier communication, and a life, -and marriage, they love to coming home to.  Let’s dive in!

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